new year’s resolutions:
All my New Year resolutions basically come down to “Try to be somebody else.”:: Michael Ian Black ::
M: dinner monday night?
D1 [moments later]: that was a weird [iphone] autocorrect. i meant to say ‘yes!’.
autocorrect [delayed] success:
D2 [on vacation]: what’s your address?
me: [my address]. i am now expecting a husky puppy in the mail!
D2: ok , btr. u giyd habe got a postcrd. dckig. postsrd vcimmimg rnway!!
D2 [two days later]: just saw this – sorry. translation (i think): you’ve got a postcard coming your way.
me: literal, delayed “auto”correct!
i don’t celebrate christmas much, but i’m all about giving — to myself. i have gifted myself a domain name: http://www.cinnamontwists.net. look at me, learning internet! go ahead and click. experience an impossibly fast URL redirect right back to where you started. side note: cinnamontwists.com costs $1545 per year! i am aZn so i know how to save for rainy days when i need a dotcom URL. i put myself on a 30-year plan, $1 a week.
my sister, though, celebrates christmas and admirably. she gave me one of my best presents ever: an advent calendar!
from december 1 to 25, i started each morning in chicago, aspen, and the OC with a lovely little surprise, ranging from a pigs mini-calendar (two of my loves in one) to christmas socks, to chocolate. especially helpful for the holidays when without work or school, it typically takes me more than thirty seconds of hard thought to remember what day it is.
D1 found some less affordable giftables. items highlighted below may be given to people who celebrate both or may simply be added to my growing “things to explore once i am less indebted” list. side note: when i settle into an airplane seat, i toss in my last moves in words with friends, set “airplane mode” on my phone, and then i peruse sky mall like it is my job. i love the hammacher schlemmer catalog. it is the home of dreams & crazy & ideas every guy you know swears he had ten years ago.
i) the jetlev
ii) the flying car
iii) pet umbrella
the christmas doughnut tradition continues: five years and going strong! photo evidence of D3 taking a painful(ly delicious?) bite below:
you can’t quite tell, but know that in this superskillfully photoshopped photo, D3 is ingesting a piece of a petrified doughnut. born five years ago at Old Firm, the christmas doughnut has traveled near and far and currently resides in austin. each year, my dear ex-coworkers get together to take a bite. the whole is not pictured, but D3 describes, “Just picture a donut broken into about 5 pieces with lots of half inch diameter cubes lying around, and that’s this donut.” presumably, it is dry and rock hard (like its wit and will to survive), but still delectable as ever, right, D3?
i have literally wasted hours on this fast food confessions reddit thread. i’m fascinated. so now i get why people love reddit. overall the punchline is something like this:
- even if corporate has good rules, the treatment of your food is entirely contingent on store management.
- it’s most likely a high school kid (who is high) that makes your food. he/she is underpaid and not looking to work there long term, so there’s sort of no reason to care about the product you create for customers. so don’t expect too much and you won’t be disappointed.
- there were some egregious sanitation/ ethical violations i read about, but i have to assume those are the rare cases of both terrible management and inept employees
- the places that have emerged as tops: wendy’s, in-n-out, jimmy john’s, chick-fil-a, taco bell. yes, taco bell. starbucks, arby’s [<—- yay, arby’s!].
all clips below are direct quotes from the reddit page.
To ensure a ‘fresh’ batch of fries / burger, order ‘no salt’ which forces a new batch that you can salt on your own.
GET OFF OF YOUR PHONE FOR 2 SECONDS, ASSHOLE. ;]
if you are getting food delivered (in general) think briefly about the delivery in advance. Put pants on, find your wallet, etc. Delivery drivers do not make a lot of money after paying for gas and car maintenance, so unless you’re going to be really generous, get your shit together ahead of time
you can order hotcakes at any point during the day. little known fact.
NEVER order grilled chicken. That shit is allowed to sit there for an hour and no one else orders it so it’s literally NEVER fresh.
If you want something extra on your burger say “extra XX”. When I worked there, if you enter extra, it just put a note on the order whereas “Adding” actually charges you.
We sell chocolate chip cookies for a dollar a piece. We have our own little oven in the back that’s used for nothing but baking these cookies. The shelf life on them is 4 or 6 hours, but we usually only bake them in the morning and leave them up by the counter till we close. Most of the time they’re still soft and good when we close, but sometimes they’re all hard and crunchy. So go ahead and squeeze a cookie before you buy it.
if you order a half and half that’s fine. But if you order two half and halfs and they have the same toppings, I’m going to kick you in the teeth.
you can add ANY condiment that we have to the burger OR add extra (or in some cases extra extra extra extra extra) condiments for no extra charge. a double double will cost the same whether you get it plain with nothing on it or with everything and EXTRA everything (which is an actual key on the computer terminal).
you can get WHOLE grilled onions on your burger (which will take your life to the next level), extra toasted buns, well done fries/burger.
I gave decaf to anybody who was rude.
Don’t complain that you’re tired. We will then watch you like a hawk and make fun of you in the back room Mr. Poor-me-I-have-to-work-at-9am.
If you order nonfat, it will be non-fat, don’t blame us for your oversight. The fact is, we’re happy to remake it if you admit that you forgot to ask and are polite about it. Act like a jerk? And you end up with whole milk.
The fresh food stuff is legit. they really do go to great lengths to get stuff locally and organic
The guac is “so expensive” because they use Hass avocados, the fancy ones. and it is made from scratch which takes 45 mins to an hour per batch. The secret ingredient is salt, fuck tons of salt, in literally everything.
Don’t order your burger “well done.” They are all well done. Ordering well done will usually just cause the manager to tell whoever is on sandwiches to put an extra dried out patty that was taken off the line on your sandwich.
Like others have said, it is the cleanest fast food place you could ever imagine and customer service is the most important. In other words, you have to be a certain type of outgoing chipper person to work there.
if someone says “thank you” you have to say “my pleasure” and will get in a lot of trouble if you don’t. I always greeted customers with a smile, but I did get in trouble for not smiling big enough.
it’s possible to use the raw chicken nuggets at skates, as long as the floor is wet(almost always). the “no slip” shoes they gave us to use really held the nuggets in the perfect position for it!
Absolutely every single item on Taco Bell’s menu is a re-hash of the same damn ingredients they’ve had for years. It doesn’t matter what you order, it is the same shit that’s in a burrito supreme re-worked.
pictured: a bacon gordita crunch. two taco shells?! one crunchy and one soft? why not.
And for the love of Gawd, a “Chalupa” is a deep-fried “Gordita”…
!! was the taco bell commenter reading this post??
i learned something today. fast food secrets! from a massive reddit thread (“Fast food workers of reddit, what’s the one thing you think everyone should know about your franchise?“). all below are direct quotes.
You can sample anything you want. If you ask, we have to give it to you.
When chipotle opens a new store, they train burrito assemblers for a whole day. Burritos are prepared and handed down the line to a giant trash can. When my store opened, we dumped about 25 trash cans full of fresh new chipotle burritos. I felt ill with guilt.
[follow-up on why it’s dumped]: I worked at a University kitchen washing dishes when I was in high school. Every single day we would throw out pounds upon pounds of perfectly good food. … They used to donate it to a shelter that was only a few miles out of town as long as they didn’t have to deliver it. Except apparently a few years ago someone at the shelter was storing the food in their room, unrefrigerated for a couple of days and then eating it. I don’t care if you’re an uneducated shmoe deep frying chicken or Bobby fucking Flay, food is not going to sit at room temperature for days on end and not go bad. So the person at the shelter got sick, sued the University for a bunch of money (won a portion of that money) and now the University won’t help alleviate a homeless/jobless problem in Rhode Island because they’re afraid of getting sued
The men and women making your sandwiches are under the influence of marijuana cigarettes.
Everyone Involved In Pizza’s Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High (via: The Onion)
AUSTIN, TX–Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony’s New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly baked off his ass, it was reported Monday.
“From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn’t even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes,” said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991. “In the brief time this pizza spent on Earth, at no point did it come into contact with a single non-stoned human being.”
… According to Dernier, the incident is not an isolated one: He estimated that each year in the U.S., as many as 25 million pizzas lead such drug-saturated existences.
“Sadly, for millions of pizzas, interaction with non-stoned humans is simply not an option,” Dernier said. “That’s why it’s crucial that those of us who are not higher than shit on primo weed occasionally take the time to order a pizza to offset this overwhelming imbalance and give some of our pies a chance to be exposed to alternative, non-stoned lifestyles.”
EVERY produce item is sliced fresh daily. Every single one. I know, I was the poor schlub who got there at 6 AM to start all the slicing. Meat is constantly sliced fresh, is never frozen, and is tossed if not used after a couple of days.
the cleanliness standards of JJ’s stores are insane. When the stores go through an audit, the corporate dudes will literally take a white glove and check for dust and dirt, and it’s your ass if they find any. I’ve worked for two different franchises and three different stores, and it was always the same. There are exceptions, but for the most part, you won’t find a cleaner fast food place out there.
Lastly, for God’s sake, read the menu. No steak, no chicken, two breads, one cheese, that’s it. If you walk in ordering a steak and swiss on asiago cheese bread, you will be met with the utmost contempt. The menu is literally, like, 15 feet tall. You CAN’T miss it. Take your time reading it, we don’t mind. Just don’t order something that isn’t there.
there is actually a certain degree of care during lunch and dinner hours. if meat sits for over its hold time we save it for the chili. closing hours, meat might sit for thirty minutes before its used. but we never pre assemble sandwiches.
always order off the value menu. the single sandwiches are way over priced.
never order spicy nuggets. they are shit if they are anything but fresh. that’s why they are cheaper.
our fruit is actually fresh. strawberries go bad in the cooler and we have to toss them.
our meat has an expiration date and is fact never frozen. and a comparison to bk where my buddy works. wendys we have a grill worker whose job is to keep meat and chicken down fresh. at bk, the sandwich maker puts the meat in a machine that pops it out when done and then they let it sit there. then when they serve it they toss it in a microwave to warm up the meat and cheese to look fresh.
we will often cook to order late night with jr patties.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!! refills are F-CKING FREEE. who woulda known? all you need to do is go up to the counter and ask for a refill. no need to go large when you can go value and get it filled again. even though its not a self serve drink station you still can get it refilled. wow I stressed that a lot.
a 4piece nuggets is $1, whereas a 6 piece is $2.49. Increasing quantities (10, 20 piece) of nuggets do not get a bulk discount. Always order multiple 4 pieces for best value (ex: 8 nuggets for $2 instead of 6 for $2.49). You’ll also get more sauces this way.
always order something custom on your burger or sandwich. For example, get extra pickles, or no onions, or extra ketchup, whatever. Anything custom. The reason behind this is that … Many McDonald’s keep extras of their most popular sandwiches pre-assembled to hand out immediately. Sometimes these can sit for up to 30 minutes, getting nasty. If you order custom, you guarantee a freshly assembled sandwich. Note: freshly assembled does not guarantee freshness of ingredients cooked.
When chicken would start to stink from going bad, they would make me load them into the ‘extra crispy’ marination tumbler device and tumble it in the water+spice packs until they weren’t as stinky. In reality, chicken that has been sitting around in bacteria-laced fluids is still BAD, but we’d cook and serve it with little problem of complaints or returns. My recommendation is to always go with the original recipe chicken if shopping at KFC.
Whatever chicken doesn’t sell gets pulled at the end of the shift and deboned. It’s either frozen or refrigerated. Frozen is good for three months. In the event of a manager fucking up an order, leaving us with, oh, 3-10 cases (a case is somewhere between 43-57 lbs) of chicken that smelled something awful, we were just told to fry it as soon as possible without breading it, then deboning it. Bad chicken is still bad chicken.
The grilled chicken’s a hit, but the racks we cook it on have to be soaked overnight, every night in order to get them to the point of being washable. So imagine smelling chicken that’s been stewing for around 8-10 hours. I would not eat on the mornings that I had to cook (and therefore had to clean racks).
I’m not sure if this was my franchise, or applies across the board: we’re not allowed to disagree with you, no matter how fucking stupid your complaint is. Go nuts. (Or get pissed off that we don’t sell nuts.)
A chicken strip costs $1.72 here. Snackers, which have a chicken strip on a bun, are $1.08 after tax.
The test to become a “certified” cook is more trivia than useful health information.
The iced coffee is brewed into water and tremendously watered down.
Once we put a donut into a paper bag and hand it to you, we can’t take it back. Want a free donut? Just say sorry, you wanted the OTHER chocolate one (you get the idea).
It’s a great place to work, and they do pay very well (starting pay in AZ is $10/hr)
Store Managers are the guys/gals in the large red apron, and are usually making six-figure salaries.
Anything you wanna add to the burger is free as long as it isn’t another meat patty, cheese, or a bun. People go crazy with this, ordering crazy combinations.
We save the oil in our fryers for 10 days before dumping it out and starting from new. I don’t know how this compares to other fast food places, but the oil really looks and cooks like crap after the 8th day. Ironically, the fries tend to taste best when cooked in old oil.
Stores open at 10am everyday, but our doors and menus all say we open at 10:30am. I’ve never understood that.
Our burgers only yield a small profit of something like $.10. We obviously make most our money off of drinks and fries.
We throw away a ton of fries. When making fries, you’re essentially estimating how many you need to feed the burgers on the grill. It’s much better to overestimate than to underestimate, but this also leads to extra fries.
A kid’s hot chocolate is $2 and 12 ounces. A small hot chocolate is $3.38 and 12 ounces. You know what to do.
Most people know this but, ask for as many veggies as you want. Veggies are free of charge. For example “Can i have spinach please? A bit more please. Just grab a whole handful and shove it on there please.” There’s no limit.
All the different kinds of bread are 2 kinds of bread, white and wheat. All those flavors? just toppings put on the bread prior to baking.
The sauce/dressing bottles never get washed, only refilled… The bottom of the bottle scares me. Bottles at my store got replaced with new ones once every 6 months.
The chicken breast is mostly Soy
I would avoid the nacho cheese. It comes unrefrigerated in bags and then its put into a hot water bath until it’s used up.
the twists in the cinnamon twists are just spiral pasta deep fried and dusted with cinnamon sugar; you probably could do something similar at home
Generic Advice from “Facilities guy”
Never get ice in your drink.
In California (dunno about the rest of the country/world), health inspectors are not required to inspect ice machines. They create ice by running water down exposed coils that look like the radiator in your car/AC, then blasting heat through them to break the ice off. Rarely are they cleaned, and when they are, the cleaner (imagine CLR, but three times as strong; it will burn through your flesh if a drop gets on your skin) leaves a slightly sweet taste behind once it’s flushed off. We clean our ice machines once every six months, and they usually get a thin layer of dust and other gunk in that time-frame.
Places where any baking or baked-products handling takes place (looking at you, Subway), the yeast from the bread (and mold from the cheese, and every other nasty little bugger) will collect on the ice machine’s coils. One of my coworkers worked for a place that had a small bakery in the cafeteria, and the machines hadn’t been cleaned for a year. According to him, there was a two-inch thick layer of mold that jiggled on its own when his hand came near it. It then convulsed when he started pouring the cleanser over it.
Just remember, those coils are in an exposed, dark, damp, and alternating-hot-and-cold environment, with a small filter screen (yes, like what’s in your window) separating them from the rest of the world. Then there’s the ice reservoir where the cubes are kept prior to dispensing. I can guarantee you that’s not cleaned either, and it needs some heavy-duty cleaner of its own.
Don’t get ice; the machines are never cleaned and they’re loaded with mold. If the ice isn’t slightly sweet, it hasn’t been cleaned in the last six months.
amazing, right?! i mean, the part about the cinnamon twists.
me: im one of those people!me: i just brought curry chicken into the quiet study lounge, specifically to ruin the study agenda of all those around meSY: Curry?? That’s like the chemical warfare of culinary faux pas. I would expect that from Saddam Hussein (go Baghdad U!) but not you! You just notched all the grade curves for this midterm season back at least five percent.
[next day]SY: Are you striking the study lounge again? Smells like someone is eating an armpit in here.me: Hahah not me! This time. This morning though I had a disturbingly malodorous egg and cheese croissant from Kovler. It must have been the chemical ‘cheese’.SY: I was always curious as to who buys that stuff… I mean I enjoy Aramark and Kraft’s idea of eggs, cheese, and croissants as much as the next person, I just have a hard time getting over the pang of guilt and shame when I do so much as to look at it. Breakfast of champions!
Over the years I’ve developed an intense scientific scale for grading the “funk” I’ll call it, of a particular stink. I have dubbed this scale the “Hobo Factor.” The hobo factor is based on the stink of the average unwashed homeless person in Washington, D.C. Why Washington you may ask? Doesn’t matter.
A smell of one hobo describes a funk equivalent to the smell of one hobo. Easy enough. Feel free to extrapolate from there, however, we have found that the scale seems to end at about ten. 3 hobo is roughly where the retch response takes over. Five is roughly equivalent to the smell of being locked in a hermetically sealed cabinet with a hobo of open air 1 hobo, or walking past 5 hobos. A stench of 10 hobo is too hideous to convey and should be avoided at all cost should the smeller attempt to remove their sinuses with a chainsaw (which at this point would have already been puked all over and the operator left with dry heaves). The chainsaw operator seldom manages to take out their sinuses, but the muscle spasms lead to terrible injury nontheless.
The interger scale of hobo factor is intended for intense bodily stenches and alleyway funk. However, for your average home stanks, feel free to employ the fractional hobo scale. The average pit stank of the occasionally washed friend seldom exceeds .5 hobo. Old refrigerator funk has been known to get toward .9 hobo (in one extreme case involving dead mice made it to 1.2!), but I think we can agree that the overall interger scale is too large for the home application.
The “Hobo Scale” is not intended to define smells.
a timely reminder for all of us about to voluntarily take on the beast that is recruiting:
A Letter To Help You Deal With RejectionOct. 11, 2011
I regret to inform you that your [book proposal/ request for a raise/ unrequited lust/ invitation to “work this out”/ suggestive text message] has been rejected.
Can we agree that it sucks? Rejection breeds a cesspool of negative emotions. You feel pathetic. You feel unworthy. You feel embarrassed – be honest – you told people you were pursuing an [exciting career change/ unattainable penis], didn’t you? You rang your mother to tell her the good news, and now she’s going to ask about it during your next phone call, which is today, because it’s her birthday, and you’re going to have to say, “What are you talking about, mom? What opportunity to [chase my dreams/ break my dry spell]? I don’t… oh. That. Yeah… not happening.” She’s your mother so she’ll mask her disappointment as much as one can when relearning that their child is a professional failure — but you know this already. This isn’t your first rodeo.
After you finish reading this letter, you’ll go about your regularly scheduled acknowledgment of being a loser – first, you’ll set aside some “me” time, which consists of pouting and binging on processed sugar, perhaps taking in a Katherine Heigl flick. Then you’ll pretend that you weren’t waiting to hear back from your [agent/ boss/ hot neighbor/ ex-boyfriend/ last resort]. Even though you just tweeted, “BIG DAY TODAY! WISH ME LUCK!1!!!” ten minutes ago, even though last week you drunkenly confided in someone that you, “find out Friday. This could be so big. Friday Friday Friday. My life might change on Friday. Not the 13th or the 21st, but this Friday, the one that’s five days from now, complete and utter life/ game-changer, I’ll let you know as soon as I find out on Friday. Fridayyyyyy,” and now it’s Friday and that person is texting you to say, “How’d it go, so excited for you!” …You’ll ignore it, for at least an hour, maybe for a few days, just until the shame subsides.
When you do get around to telling people about your failure, you’ll put on a brave face and pretend that you’re not disappointed. “That job wasn’t the right fit for me. I only would’ve been making 30K more than I do now, and besides, the guy who interviewed me? He was one of those good-looking, Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed types. It would’ve been a disaster. Much too distracting. I’m lucky they turned me down.”
Of course, everyone knows you’re lying – even you, ye who have little self-awareness. But denial helps soften the blow, so it’s allowed. Pretend that you’re not compulsively checking your inbox for a subject line that reads, “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” that you’re not rereading your resume and searching for the line where it all went wrong. You’re doing those things, compulsively, but that’s our little secret. When someone asks, answer predictably as ever: You’ll be fine. You’re okay.
Because you actually are okay. You’ve failed more times than you can count. You failed to spell your last name for at least five years of your life. You failed at dressing yourself in a presentable manner from 1994-2002. All of your relationships failed, or if that’s too extreme, they sure as hell didn’t succeed. You’ve lost countless dodgeball games, kickball games, games of pool, horse, poker; you name it, you’ve lost it. You failed biology in high school. TWICE. You are consistently the least efficient person in an airport security line.
Of that mountain of fail you’ve accumulated, how many of those setbacks cross your mind on a regular basis? How often do you become incapacitated thinking about the time you lost fifty bucks playing dice, a hundred bucks on a roulette table in Vegas? How many times have you not been good enough? How many imploring, unanswered text messages have you sent since 2001? Did the world end?
Your missteps, minor and major, don’t prevent future failures and successes. Read this letter three days from now. Three years from now. Three decades from now. You will have failed and succeeded thousands of times between each reading. Think about how quickly an all-consuming failure becomes insignificant. How you probably failed at tying your own shoes for years. Life went on, didn’t it? And it will again. Briefly indulge in your frustration but promptly suck it up. You’ve got more [query letters/ resumes/ inappropriate e-messages] to send.
:: via thought catalog, via JD ::
here to soothe failures (that are really successes): a s’more in a jar. but first a rant on the cupcake trend.
A cupcake is just a mini cake — what kind of a loon wouldn’t like a mini cake?
Here’s the thing: it’s not the taste, it’s the packaging. From making to transporting to peeling to eating, the effort-expended-to-eating-enjoyment ratio just doesn’t stack up and can’t compare to picking a cookie or brownie off a tray and shoving it in your mouth, all quick and sneaky like. Or digging into an adult sized piece of cake, on a plate … with a fork. If that makes me a loon, then I don’t want to be … a … uh … non-loon.
You love the cupcake? That’s cool. It’s nothing personal, man.
You love the cupcake cake? Well, I’m not sure we can be friends. I’ll give it a shot, but I’m thinking it won’t work out.
Cue the dessert in a jar…
Because you know what this reminds me of, digging deep into a jar of goodness with a long spoon, scraping the sides to get every last morsel?
That’s right. Peanut butter. Right out of the jar. Oh, the childhood memories of the peanut butter jar. My family thought I couldn’t reach the shelf where they kept it. But I knew where the step stool was, and how to use it.
:: via soupaddict, via MR ::
:: via SA ::
does it mean i am simple or lost if i do actually find meaning or amusement from bathroom wall writings? i’m not talking like “make love not war!” and “If you tinkle and you sprinkle, Be a sweetie wipe the seatie”. i mean entries like,
“Written on the left wall:
Written on the right wall:
c’mon! that’s brilliant. i’ve been playing for hours.
occupy occupywallstreet! the 1% fights back.
heh. well done! and here: some promotional gear, because why not?
:: via occupyoccupywallstreet, via MW ::