by Tom O’Donnell– – – –
Thank you for taking the time to interview me for the junior analyst position at Rawles and Hilt. It was great to meet with you and learn more about the company. Please don’t hesitate to call or email if you have any more questions for me.
Also, I just wanted to say I’m sorry I bit you during the interview.
Obviously, there is no excuse for biting anyone. But I feel the need to explain what I was thinking at the time, in the hope that it might mitigate my disappointing conduct.
The interview was going fine, until you threw me a curveball. “Could you talk about your previous work experience?” you asked. I panicked. It’s clear to me now that I should have just answered honestly (“No, I can’t.”) But instead I shrieked and bit you hard on the collarbone. The instant after I’d done it, I knew I’d messed up. It’s a testament to your professionalism that you were even willing to continue our interview after such a regrettable lack of judgment on my part.
The second time I bit you I think I was just hungry. Full disclosure: I hadn’t had any breakfast that morning (Okay. Full, full disclosure: I’d had a small breakfast.) When your fingers passed near my mouth, they actually did that cartoon desert-island thing where they seemed to morph into sausages.
I think I was still hungry for sausages after the sausages I had eaten right before the interview, so I bit you again. If I’d only stopped and taken a moment to assess the situation, I would have remembered: sausages don’t grow out of human hands. But unfortunately, I didn’t. The sad irony is that my briefcase was full of leftover sausages from breakfast. That’s why my résumé was so greasy.
The third time I bit you, it was supposed to be a joke. In retrospect, I’m not sure it came off that way. I was trying to break the tension created by me biting you and you being all weird about it. It was meant to be playful, like, “Ha ha. I’m biting you again, because I guess I’m ‘The Biting Guy’ now.” But after sinking my teeth into the tender flesh of your calf muscle and holding on for 30 seconds, it started to seem like you weren’t getting it. It’s obvious to me now that I was misinterpreting your screams of pain as screams of pained laughter.
The fourth time I bit you was honestly your fault. If someone who has already bitten you several times is standing on your desk, completely naked and snarling, don’t make any sudden movements! That’s practically a recipe for getting bitten. If this situation ever arises again, play dead. Lie on the ground in a fetal position. Curl your face toward your knees and make sure to protect your vulnerable neck area. This will tend to reduce the level of injury sustained in the event of an attack. Once I’ve realized you are not a threat I will generally show no further interest.
Frankly I think this all goes back to my childhood, when I would constantly bite people for no reason. I also did this as a teenager and an adult.
Regardless, I am extremely sorry for biting you. I hope you can look past this (not to mention my lack of experience with Excel macros) when making a final hiring decision. After all, who hasn’t freaked out and bitten someone during a job interview at some point in their life?
P.S. Please apologize to everyone I bit on my way out of your office.
made infinitely more palatable by MW’s cinnamon twists delivery service and hello kitty perching.
KW: Why aren’t you [back in Chicago] yet?!? I’m so bored.…
me: seriously, why am i still working? Umm also I have an accounting question.
[i subsequently email a huge long accounting question on how sales are booked vs bad debt expense, bad debt provisions, calculating free cash flow, working capital adjustments, and omg nerd alert]
KW [the next day]: wow, i had too much wine last night to even read that entire question. so, what’s the answer? I can’t believe you are still working. My week has been all about getting ready for school. This has included taking long bike rides, ignoring the “Math for Economists” book that I need to study for fixed income, getting my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. God I love MBA school.
umm … good or bad thing that i can’t remember the last time i worked this hard? i can’t wait to get back to school so i can resume
learning about business and people and changing the world with mine own hands my debt-financed vacation from work.
firstly: important things going on in the finance industry
me: hahahaha I lol’ed. CFA.org must get so many accidental hits
JD [later]: This cat won “Best Cat” in the CFA cat show?!
nextly: WSJ’s field guide to obnoxious eating (thanks, MW!)
Common smelly foods that get the most complaints:
- Reheated fish dishes
- Fast-food french fries
- Microwave popcorn and burritos
- Sandwiches with liverwurst or onion
- Dishes with aged cheeses
where is microwaved broccoli on that list??! or munching, crunching, dropping crumbs of cool ranch doritos into the bloomberg keyboard?
anyway i now know the value of an MBA. its worth, entirely intangible and amortizable over my 35 year career, is precisely that of less embarrassment and discussion of my brown bag lunches. because i now have an office, i can have my sardine souffle and eat it too. okay, i admit i just threw up at the thought of a sardine souffle, but i’m also about to google for a recipe.
thirdly: you caught me. this is actually what i’m up to in san diego this week.
A man in a Gumby suit attempted to rob a 7-Eleven store but became nervous and escaped with only some loose change, the San Diego Police Department said.
Initially the clerk thought the man was joking. But when the robber announced he had a gun and began fumbling with his Gumby suit, the clerk changed his mind.
San Diego Crime Stoppers is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of Gumby and/or the accomplice. The car was described as a light-colored mini-van; the Gumby suit was green.
:: la times ::
fourthly: PW unknowingly made me LOL with a text that said, “I’ll be there at 11:30 sharp [emphasis mine].” i don’t think i’ve heard that expression in about a decade. and i realized it is because saying “sharp” with a meeting time in southern california is almost laughable.
i don’t blame your watch that is all fashion over function; i blame traffic. and also, your watch.
this must be a trap into a hidden camera and blackmail scheme. how tricky, this trickster trickily turning tricks. in the grand scheme of schemes, i’m thinking this might be slightly worse than a pyramid scheme, but an improvement upon a phone-tapping scheme. hmm this is getting hard to keep track of so let’s review the current rankings:
cash4gold < pyramid scheme < ponzi < blackmail < phone-tapping < S&P credit ratings* ( <– why does the treasury have a blog?) < highway robbery < murder < secondhand smoking < global warming — hey wait a minute.
global warming < secondhand smoking. …
also puzzling: “Complete and utter discretion is a must and you will need to verify who you are later down the road [emphasis mine].” really? later, not immediately?
sixthly: microsoft internet explorer is so bad it hurts.
the best part about making lists is crossing off items.
in my case, i don’t make lists so much as scattered notes on scraps of paper that i keep on different desks, in different bags, and sometimes in my car. is this mad? i never even noticed this about myself until a colleague recently saw me scribbling meeting notes on a post-it note that clearly had another agenda (my network login and password hint) and thoughtfully pushed a clean sheet of paper in front of me to use instead. i like to think that the mess i make is akin to those pretty equations john nash painted all over the place in a beautiful mind.
except for the part about the voices in his head that made him do it. what about those series/sequences will hunting sharpies on his bathroom mirror at the start of good will hunting?
will: mirror, mirror on the wall, why does my southie accent make my own ears bleed?
mirror: shh. don’t talk.
sigma summation symbols make me swoon. in other news, i’m planning to get nothing done for the next week, and it will be glorious. though there is at least one list already, i will probably make two more, and a sigma summation symbol will make an appearance on one of them. to distract you in my absence: enjoy this real CL roommate ad. since it’ll probably be taken down at some point, enjoy below:
$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.
Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday’s with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!
A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?
I own almost nothing! I’m driving my car from Alabama to California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you’d like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I’m the most considerate person you’ve ever met. I’m offering to buy you shit already!
Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money.
- cats are OK – purrr
- dogs are OK – wooof
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests