double dip trip flip fantasia

the world is ending! it done happened! i seen it! with mine own four eyes.

that is not my finger.

did your jaw drop today? did you blink meaningfully at your live-updating charts today as if you could blink away the pain and tears? is that why the missouri river is causing such a ruckus over here? it’s flooded with your emo-investor tears?

good thing my PA is 50% cash, 20% canned goods, 10% guns, 10% germs, 5% steel, 5% rocketship loaded with 500% of listed items so far. yes, you can join my survivor party — but only if you’re heavy on can openers, bullets, antibacterial gel, and friends from outerspace. ben b is on board and he knew it all along:

Bernanke, who sources confirmed was “totally sloshed,” arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen,

“Look, they don’t want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is,” said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. “Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I’m telling you,” … continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. “Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth…

“Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program of quantitative easing, but c’mon, we all know that’s not going to make the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand, or employment,” Bernanke said before being told to “try to keep [his] voice down” by the bartender. “And trust me, with the value of the U.S. dollar in the toilet, import costs going through the roof, and numerous world governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit’s not looking too good for us abroad, either.

“God, I’m so wasted,” added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.

Customers at the bar told reporters the “shitfaced” and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was “worthless.” Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” to play five times in a row.

“This is what it’s all about,” said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. “Fucking love this song.”

:: via the onion ::

good choice, DJ Ben, but this record is still my fave. and since you asked, this Dow Jones is doing just fine, thanks.

Mr. Jones said his first name, Dow, is not short for anything, and would only specify his age as “old enough to know better.” A public records search revealed that he was born in July 1919, making him 92.

Mr. Jones confirmed that sharing a name with the world’s most famous stock index has resulted in plenty of jokes over the years. He said he typically did not say anything in response to the jokes.

When asked whether he owned any stocks himself, Mr. Jones said that he didn’t. “I follow my own stock market,” he said, referring to God.

:: via nytimes ::

 

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