all of the lights, part II

Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha

NORTH PLATTE, NE–Lifelong North Platte resident Fred Linder, 46, revealed Monday that he doesn’t think he could cope with the fast-paced hustle and bustle of Omaha, the Cornhusker State’s largest city.

“Oh, sure, I bet it’d be exciting at first, going to see 9 p.m. showings of movies, shopping at those big department stores, and maybe even eating at one of those fancy restaurants that doesn’t use iceberg lettuce in their salads,” Linder said. “But I just don’t think I could put up with all that hub-bub for more than a day or two.”

Added Linder: "And parking's a nightmare there."

“You read such awful stuff in the papers about that place,” Linder said. “Every month, it’s another murder. Between the drugs and the crime and the street gangs, it’s almost as bad as Wichita.”

The drawbacks to life in Omaha cited by Linder include the crime, traffic, pollution, and rudeness of Omahans.

“Let’s just say the glamour of city life has changed [my sister, Amy],” Linder said. “She’s definitely ‘gone Omaha,’ if you catch my drift … The bright lights and fast cars may have seduced my sister, but they’ll never get me.”

:: photos mine, all text via the onion ::

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One response to “all of the lights, part II”

  1. Kate says :

    “Gone Omaha” Geez whiz, movies at 9 pm?!? I wonder what he would think of me and my hash smoking in Moscow? I bet I’d be judged harshly!

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